take note, apply changes.

welcome glory cadence...

2011-10-05T21:02:00.001-04:00

Alrighty, new blog debut.

http://glorycadence.tumblr.com

just stole this from you florence

2011-09-21T22:25:00.004-04:00

But I totally found my future daughter's middle name.

In other news, making the switch to tumblr very soon :)

edit: If anyone steals this name before I have the opportunity to give it to my baby, I will hunt you down :)

2011-08-12T13:19:00.005-04:00

This month already 2 of my friends have passed the NCLEX exam and are real official nurses. I just get so proud of my friends when they accomplish their goals. I feel like a parent.

This got me thinking of how important it is to know that someone is proud of you. I, as well as many others I know, come from a culture where it's not the norm to hear that your parents are proud. I didn't hear it very often and I still don't, but when you do and that person really means it, it truly touches the heart.

I remember when I first found out about God's affections towards me and that He is proud of me. When I make decisions that move His heart, He's proud of me. When I choose to obey Him and surrender my plans for His, He's so happy. I love that. Just imagine how much it touched my heart to find out that He's proud.

So even though my parents aren't all that proud of me and my choice to stay here doesn't make sense to them, my poppa's proud of me. And that means more than anything. I'm scared but kind of excited to live this life of adventure. I'm gonna see things.. It's gonna get crazy but I'm definitely excited.

its been a while

2011-08-06T02:41:00.005-04:00

I haven't blogged in quite some time. Its late, and I'm only up because I ate less than an hour ago and if I try to sleep it won't happen.

I don't know who, if anyone, still reads this blog...maybe someone still has me on their google reader. Who knows. I thought about getting a Tumblr as I start my new adventures. If only I knew how to use it...

Anyways, there was a point to this. Something my Papa told me today. He said, "There's no 'you can't'(s) in My Love".

How many times have I been told I can't do something? Too many to count. And not just in the sense that there are things I shouldn't do but that there are things I can't do. Some people can do them but not me.

I've believed that lie for so long, I sometimes forget its a lie. So when I ask my Father to reveal His love to me, He says, "There are no 'you can'ts' in My Love. Phil. 4:13." I can do all things. I will do greater things than Jesus did. That's a promise (John 14:12). So when I tell you, I'm gonna lay hands on the sick, pray for them, and see them healed, you better believe it. And whether you believe it or not, it has happened already, and will continue to happen.

I'm just so excited for this next chapter in my life. I'm about to embark on a life that just seems to make no sense to the natural mind. I don't understand it but that's okay. Actually, that's perfect. Its the best place to be. If I don't understand it, my only option is to trust in the Lord with all my heart (Proverbs 3:5-6).

next chapter

2011-05-26T00:37:00.003-04:00

College is officially over. This is another one of those points in my life I never REALLY thought about reaching until I got here. I never used to be able to think about my life past about the age of 16. Not that I never thought I'd get to my 20s but I could just never see it.

Maybe it's because I'm going to see and experience things I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams. I hope so. It's more than probable and has already started.

I'm on a journey and this is just a turning of pages to the next chapter.

something

2011-04-28T22:59:00.003-04:00

Here's something I just realized about myself, I'm compulsive about vacuuming my carpet if I clean my room but it always leaves me feeling itchy. I don't like to shower at night though so I guess I'm just going to stay itchy until morning.

more than a month later

2011-04-22T13:46:00.004-04:00

Guatemala was amazing. I can't really describe it. I saw miracles and people having their lives changed. It was incredible.

Okay..where am I now...

I'm one month from graduation (exactly). I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. Not that I'm at a total loss for ideas. Especially because no matter who I talk to, or close (or not) we may be, everyone seems to have a suggestion. I know what I want to do but my parents would rather I didn't.

I have always loved music. I can't imagine my life without it. I was denied the opportunity to pursue my passion so many times. I went to the high school my parents wanted instead of LaGuardia or PPA, I went to college to study pre-med instead of music ("You can't make any money being a musician"), and now, I am weeks away from a BA in History and Minor in Biology. I've finished all my pre-reqs for med school. I could study up, take the MCATS, and go from there. In all honesty though, I really don't want to.

All I've ever wanted was to play. I'm done with college. They can't force me to go to grad, even though they're trying. I know my purpose in life. I can't waste it at the feet of giants I may never conquer, while leaning on an economy that is crumbling. I want to use my talents for God's glory, I know that's why I was made. I know where I belong. The hardest part of all of this is explaining that to them. How can I possibly explain this to them?

Somehow, I thought it would be easier having parents who are Christians. Not that I've experienced the other side, but this seems to be equally as difficult.

I need a miracle.

i need you Jesus

2011-03-03T22:16:00.003-05:00

My heart is Yours for life

I need Your hand in mine

No one else will do

I put my trust in You

In a little more than 12 hours I will be on my way to DC for the night then on a plane to Guatemala the following day. In all honesty I'm a little nervous. I haven't packed yet, but when do I ever pack in a timely manner?

I need you, Jesus. I'm so like excited though because I know we're gonna get to be witness to some really amazing things God is doing and going to do down there. I'm really pumped.

Okay, I should go do my laundry so I can start packing.

how i feel right now

2010-12-23T23:16:00.003-05:00

"I don't understand.

I'm just like...what?

Like...what?

Like....whayt?!

You know?"

That literally just came out of my mouth. It was preceded by, "I don't get it. I'm just...like...a stupid baby."

There is just so much that I don't understand about life, God, love. All of it. I just don't get it. Oh my gosh. I feel a break down coming..

"It's gonna be worth it."

Too weird. Listening to the prayer room as I write and they start singing :

I don't understand Your ways...

I would say to you, it's gonna be worth it all

This post is sloppy. But its my blog and I can do whatever the fluff I want.

I believe it. It's gonna be worth it all. I'm in a dry place right now. It's not as happy here as where I was in the summer. I just have to believe its gonna be worth it.

BAH! It's hot in the fire. When I come out though, I'm gonna shine. It's gonna be worth it.

when i see Your face, it's gonna be worth it all...

2010-12-19T01:47:00.003-05:00

For those of you who have Google Chrome, your home page is most likely the one with your 8 most visited pages. My blog is one of mine but I'm pretty sure my chrome lies to me because clearly, I haven't blogged in a while.

I'm really tired right now (senior year, can't stay up like I used to) but I thought I'd take some time and blog a little bit.

I kind of wish I read my last post before I decided to write another. I also wish I had something to talk about before I clicked the "new post" button. I guess I just kind of miss being here. And by here I mean, in my room at home, on my bed, blogging about...whatever. Its kind of nice.

I've changed so much since freshman year. Everything's changed. I drove home! I only mention that because one of my passengers was a freshman who was dreading the idea of going home. After 4 months of how amazing freedom is, she just didn't want to go back. I totally remember how that felt. Now that I know "going back" is going to be more of a privilege than a requirement, I think I'll cherish it that much more. My facebook status right now is "I love my family". That's definitely something I never would have had as a status 4 years ago.

I'm rambling a bit... maybe I should end this now. I am on break though, so expect me back :)

-glory

road to recovery

2010-10-25T20:23:00.003-04:00

The first step is admitting you have a problem. I'm admitting it. What's step two?

beautiful

2010-09-20T02:24:00.002-04:00

Cause I know that your eyes are like flames of fire

I know that your head is as white as wool

and I know that your voice it sounds like waters

Jesus you're beautiful

simple.

2010-09-18T23:59:00.003-04:00

When you break things down, it makes them much less scary. I feel like God is a God of simplicity. Don't get me wrong. He is extravagant and complex but at the same time, He's so simple. The Gospel is simple and it should always be that way.

We (humans) have always made things more complicated than they need to be. God gave us ten commandments and we tried our hardest to obey every single one to the T. Then Jesus came along and made it easy for us. He pretty much said, to sum up the commandments, "love". Love God FIRST, then love each other the way God loves you.

It's so easy but somehow, some way, we make it hard. Then we get frustrated. "Why is it so hard to be a Christian? Why is it so hard to listen to God? Why is it so hard to do everything I'm supposed to?"

I have good news. It's not. All you have to do is love. Just like Jesus said. And I know some would say, "Loving people is hard, they're all jerks." and this is true. We are all jerks. Everyone is selfish. But that's the beauty of it. We love God FIRST. We see his love and we know that he loves us even though we're jerks. When that gets a hold of you, He will give you the grace to love those around you. Even though they're jerks, He'll help you love them.

quote

2010-09-03T02:48:00.003-04:00

"Christianity is not asking Jesus into your heart. Jesus knows what it means to be a Christian. He didn't say add me to your life. He said, 'Come follow me'. He said if you wanna follow me the first thing you do is deny yourself."

happiness

2010-08-29T04:40:00.005-04:00

I honestly couldn't be happier with my life right now. I know school starts soon and thats gonna suck but right now I'm like so happy.

ps, the new bwine 111<3

pps, this doesnt mean i <3 the old bwine 111 any less.

mercy

2010-08-18T01:15:00.003-04:00

Your mercy, it covers me wherever I go.

Your kindness, it never ends.

There's nothing I could do to change your mind

about me.

untitled 2

2010-08-16T22:39:00.001-04:00

I think I have a problem with patience. Problem is I have none. Pray for me please.

great expectations

2010-08-11T13:11:00.005-04:00

I've had the craziest week of my life so far. I've just been awakened. I can't even put into words the things that have been happening because I'm still trying to absorb them myself.

Anyway, I had a thought. My dad told me yesterday that he'd let me keep his car if I got a job at a hospital for this year.

Let me backtrack.

This summer, my dad gave me his car since I was going to be up here in Bing and he was going to be out of the country. Well he's back now and he misses his car but I'm still here in Bing. Yesterday I was talking to him and my mom on the phone and I was sharing my grades with them. Now, I didn't get the best grades ever, but I was really proud of what I got all things considered. A lot of people don't know this (and this is especially for my Asian readers) but Nigerian parents are just as bad if not worse than Asian parents when it comes to expecting academic excellence from their children. Obviously I don't know EVERY Asian parent, but from what I've heard its about the same. Okay I'm getting off track. My point is, even though I was proud of my grade, all my parents could muster was a faux-congratulatory, "that's good" - mom and "hmm...okay not bad" - dad. Didn't make me feel too great but whatever.

I told my parents that I was going to try and get a job at the hospital for the year. Since my dad knows that experience is a good thing, he bribes me and tells me that if I get this job he'll let me keep the car. Of course after a summer of being spoiled by having it, I don't want to give it up for the year.

So now I've been thinking about how my parents would do whatever it takes and spend endless amounts of money just so that one day they can say they have a kid who's a doctor. It's kind of crazy, no? It also sounds a little selfish to me.

tomorrow's my final

2010-08-05T10:12:00.002-04:00

Do Not Worry

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6

2010-08-02T23:22:00.002-04:00

I'm not usually a fan of burning bridges but I'm down for whatever it takes.

i realize...

2010-07-27T21:36:00.002-04:00

...when we hurt God, he doesn't hurt us back. He continues to love us. It's the definition of unconditional love. If only I could be just like that.

acceptance

2010-07-04T02:11:00.003-04:00

There are just some things I have to accept. Here are a few of them:

I will ALWAYS love being home and spending time with my friends here more than anything else in the world.
I can't always make things happen because I want them now. Sometimes I just have to let it be.
No matter how hard I try, I just can't be really good friends with certain people. It will almost never work out.
I'm a little baby crazy. More so that I want someone close enough to me to have a baby I can play with.
Life is definitely changing.
Sometimes change is good.

I had a really good day today. Seeing friends that I haven't seen in years, spending time and bonding with the crew in new ways. I love those girls.

Part of me wants to look back on the summer I've had so far and talk about how it sucks that I'm stuck in Bing taking physics and don't get to see them. The same part wants to gripe and grumble about how I'm missing out on a whole summer's worth of inside jokes and going to the beach and movie nights. Then there's the other part of me. The one that's up at 2am, after just coming home from being with them, that realizes how much sweeter it is to get to spend one night with them that I'll remember for a really long time, than it would be to see them everyday and totally take them for granted.

I think that right now, I can safely say that in this moment, I'm happy.
no emoticon necessary

ughhh

2010-06-28T16:55:00.001-04:00

being here without physics to do is even worse. now not only am i lonely, i'm bored too.

lame.

2010-06-23T23:41:00.004-04:00

so i've been writing little bits here and there in this blog for the past few days. emotions have been high. i've been lonely and upset. maybe in a few days i'll have the guts to write in my blog with fewer inhibitions like someone i know.
its like whatever right?

but for now another prayer:

God, give me the strength to get through tomorrow
to be able to focus and to study
and to not lose my mind in the process

I can do physics through Christ who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13
amen

2010-06-23T22:35:00.000-04:00

so now it turns out i'm not going home.
my misery will never end..

2010-06-22T20:24:00.001-04:00

i hate it here. i wanna go home.

untitled

2010-06-22T00:18:00.002-04:00

i wanted to write a blog post but i cant remember why. i just checked the answers from my test today and it turns out that i did pretty well. probably better than my last two combined. which is very good.

there's a lot on my mind but its so much that this blog post won't really help. i just wanna sit and play guitar. though i should be sleeping.

everything's changing. my least favorite is when people change..

my most favorite is when two people make new people.

home pretty soon.

a prayer

2010-06-03T00:12:00.002-04:00

Help me to cast all my cares upon You
I know its cliche but its true
Remind me every time I worry or break a sweat
You long to take my burdens
and give me a peace I won't regret

summer session

2010-05-27T00:27:00.001-04:00

here we go..

what a mistake

2010-04-04T21:30:00.005-04:00

I really never want to stay home longer than 5-7 days again. It's too much stress. I've changed too much to fit back in here peacefully.

I've only actually been home for 5 days and I was out of the house for at least 12 hours each of those days. Let's say I spent 7 of the other 12 hours of the day sleeping. That leaves 5 hours at home in 5 days which would mean I actually spent 25 conscious hours here. That's a little more than 1 full day and I'm going nuts.

I think that really says something...

Back to bing tomorrow. Next spring break, I'm going somewhere hot. No doubt.

2010-03-24T19:30:00.000-04:00

With all the complaining I do...what if this is just preparation for an unexpected future?

friends

2010-02-21T23:27:00.005-05:00

I just wrote a bunch of emails so I'm already in typing mode. I thought, "why not blog?"

I have a major test coming up. Well...it's the first test. But it's still major. If I'm going to reach my GPA goal this semester, it counts. So I should be studying but I'm finding it hard as I have a lot on my mind and heart.

The idea of friends has been majorly on my mind recently. I need to comprehend what I'm thinking. Blogging usually helps me do that.

So I've been thinking a lot lately that I really want to make new friends. I think it has to do with the fact that over the last 2&1/2 years, I didn't really get to choose my friends. Which, in turn, made me think about how I've never gotten to choose my friends. All the friends I have I gained by circumstance. I went to the same school for 9 years and the friends I had in high school were the friends I had from church. The friends who I made in church are the kids who were my age and always in my sunday school classes. We did become the best of friends though and I don't think my life would be half as amazing without them. Obviously I love them to death but I just feel like it was never my choice. If it had been my choice would I have chosen them? Who knows.

Old friends aside, I'm in college now. Apparently the friends I have now are the ones I'm gonna keep through life. I just don't feel like that's true. The majority of my "friends" now are the ones I've met in IV, another place I'm in through circumstance. The reason why I put the word in quotations is because I've never felt so lost as I do before and after each large group meeting. Looking around a room of about 100 people and finding no place I can settle and be truly comfortable. So to avoid awkwardness, I sort of just float around the room saying hi to people I know. I wouldn't call 99% of the people in that room anything more than acquaintances.

I really feel it has a lot to do with the fact that the majority of our chapter is Asian and lately I think the next biggest group is white. I've never been a person to have any race issues. I was raised to be color blind but that's apparently impossible here. No one else is. It's like if you were actually color blind and perfectly content in that, but as you walk down the street with your friends, they constantly point out red and green to you. They would do it so much that you'd begin to identify red and green not by what you can actually see but by the shades of gray they are to you.

I don't know. I can't really say that if I go find people of my own race I'd be happy. That's not what it is at all. I just need to find a place where nothing like that matters. And as much as we would like to say it doesn't matter, it does. I just need a place to settle. A place to call my own. A place with similarly color blind people and good times.

Bolivia

2010-01-13T20:22:00.002-05:00

I may just be prematurely excited, but I think this is my destiny..

i want to buy this

2010-01-07T15:09:00.005-05:00

but i want it to fit like this
opinions on the color of the first?

i like my short obscure blog posts

2009-12-23T14:09:00.004-05:00

I havent REALLY done this in a while.

Its winter break! That should be exciting. Even though school is over for a bit and we get a break, I can't seem to shake the burdens of last semester. Every hint of happiness that arises with the thought of it being over is tainted by the thought of my grades. Unfortunately, learning my grades and having to share them with my parents leaves me uneasy. I guess in the end its my fault because "whatever grades I got are the ones I gave myself" (which I don't believe, especially in the case of tai chi) I do work hard. Apparently though my hard work isn't good enough.

I'm at a loss and I don't really know what to do.

There's always next semester I guess.

this is how i talk

2009-12-03T03:08:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I think of one thing and it makes me angry about everything.
I hate it.
(these are true thoughts btw)
I need to resolve that one thing.
If its not taken care of in the right way,
I'm gonna have to cut it out of my life.

this is my red sea. God, send a miracle.

2009-11-29T01:08:00.004-05:00

"You get to a point where if anything is going to change, it's gonna take a miracle."
-Mom

I don't know if I can say that I've made a decision yet. I guess I just really need guidance.
[keepin em short these days]
-G

the best

2009-10-27T03:44:00.008-04:00

from asleep on the subway:

nsfw-nsfw-nsfw-warning-too-cute-nsfw-nsfw-nsfw

it's been so long!

2009-10-26T14:03:00.002-04:00

But here's some music :)
[I messed up in the end but when i tried to do it all over i couldn't get it back lol]

another one from cakewrecks

2009-10-05T13:04:00.002-04:00

although this one isn't a wreck. Just super cute :)
five little monkeys jumping on the bed...

i'm sorry.

2009-07-21T21:41:00.002-04:00

I find it interesting that sometimes those words can mean nothing and other times not enough.

i love this:

2009-07-15T16:14:00.001-04:00

Cake Wrecks

yesterday

2009-07-09T17:39:00.005-04:00

I intended to write a quick one yesterday because some thoughts were flowing and I really didn't feel like putting them anywhere else. What happened was, my internet stopped working because the Binghamton network decided to evaluate and see if my stuff was all good and secure enough to be on the network. Today is when I finally downloaded everything I needed to for it to work again. Since I didn't want to lose my thoughts I wrote them down on a piece of paper but I sill want to share them (keep in mind this was written yesterday) so here goes:

Two of my favorite people are out of the country and today a number of things reminded me of both of them. Right now I can't remember what they were exactly, but I know that when I saw or heard them, it made me smile.
I know it's the summer and normally I wouldn't see too much of either of them anyway, but I guess just knowing that they're more than a couple of hours train ride or a phone call/text away makes me miss them more. Maybe it's because I'm here in Bing and for the last year and a half, I've associated this place with their faces.
Whatever the case may be I miss you & 사랑해 and for that reason I'll be quietly counting down the days until fall semester when you'll both be just minutes away :)

{unashamed}

why?!

2009-07-05T01:45:00.003-04:00

Why am I still awake?
Why am I not yet packed?
Why does packing and going back this time feel like it's harder to do than any other time?

I feel like it's freshman year all over again in that I'm nervous about maybe having to live with strangers. But I'm hopeful that it will turn out as good as that did. Although, I was pretty lucky. Most people I know didn't have such a great experience with random roommates/suitemates/apartmentmates. Hopefully, if I do have to live with people, I get as lucky as I was freshman year.

Gah! It needs to be tomorrow (technically it is but you know what I mean) and I need to be in Bing, unpacked, settled, and slightly more at ease.

big sister, little sister

2009-07-01T22:31:00.004-04:00

This evening I had dinner with my older sister. Ever since my younger brother got taller than me I've grown out of using terms like "big" and "little" in regards to my siblings. Obviously something like dinner with a sibling wouldn't be something blog-worthy for most people but it is for me.

Thing is, I haven't actually spent any time with my sister since I was about 11 or 12 years old. She moved out, there was drama, its complicated. The drama wasn't because of me or anything but there was just drama. Seeing as this is my last week home before I go back to bing, (I say this because I'm unsure if I'm coming back in August or not) I, being the procrastinator that I am, decided to cram all my visits and hanging out with people I haven't seen into this week. As always I was unsuccessful with some of my plans. Side note: not only do I wait til my last week but I wait until the last days of my last week.

I'm not sure if that paragraph made sense. Figure it out. So I stopped by her place of work to say hi and whatever and give her the present I got for her for Christmas. (Usually I see her on Christmas but I didn't this past year) Then she told me she was getting off soon and that we would should have dinner. So I wandered around SoHo and waited for her to finish then we went to eat. Her roommate/co-worker, to whom she introduced me as her "little sister", came too. The look on her face when she found out I'm 20 was pretty funny though.

It was like meeting someone new for me. I was a little nervous at first because I wasn't so sure how the conversation was going to go, but as soon as I got some food in me I was a bit more comfortable. We talked and caught up and stuff and it was good. It didn't take me much time to realize that she was this person who has interests and likes and dislikes, that I know nothing about. For her I think she couldn't believe that I was 20 already and kept treating me like I was 10, right down to asking me if I needed to go to the bathroom before we left. It was a little irritating but I guess kinda cute that she still sees me as this little kid.

I think rebuilding relationships is kind of fun. Since it's been broken from my childhood it's pretty interesting to see from this side of adulthood. That's the start of one. I have one more sister to go...

dramatic finding

2009-06-20T20:24:00.003-04:00

There I am, sitting in Cosi with some friends. They're eating, I'm not. I don't have much money nor am I incredibly hungry. We're sitting there talking for a while and then silence. I break it with, "You know what I love? Finding stuff on the ground...like money." Conversation continues as I reminisce about the last time I found money on the floor. As we're leaving I head the group in walking out the door and what should I see in my clear path, in this moderately crowded Cosi, but a 20 dollar bill. I look around, simultaneously shocked and confused, to see if anyone dropped it. No one. A guy about 12 feet away happens to see and says, "Someone's lucky today!" I nod still shocked.

I totally believe that I willed that 20 on the floor into existence. But I felt bad for finding it and I gave a homeless guy 2 dollars. The End

I saw Away We Go today and it was good. Very funny, although, I'm not a John Krasinski fan. If you're like me, you'll find him to be insufferable throughout.

Cheers

random thoughts and updates

2009-06-18T22:45:00.002-04:00

So. It has been a bit of a while. Not that I've been extraordinarily busy. But here are a few random things and goings on I guess.

I've started reading Harry Potter. My mom never let me read them as a kid because she's convinced they promote witchcraft. She found out today that I'm reading them and flipped out a bit. Though I should say her flipping out has gotten a lot less extreme and it's more like a one-sided discussion between us. Be that as it may, I'm trying to make them much less one-sided. But how much she hears of what I have to say, I have no idea.
On the other hand I'm loving the Harry Potter series. I hope to finish the 4th book by the end of this week. (I'm not going to stop reading them because of my mother's unfounded opinions)

I'm counting down the days until I have to go back to Bing. At first it was an "I can't wait" kind of thing but that was because I wasn't used to being home yet. I realize now that it takes me a while to settle in and get used to being home and being happy with my friends and life here again. Once I do settle though it gets really hard for me to have to leave. I've reached that point and I'm still doing my countdown, however, it's become more of an "I really don't want to go back yet" kind of thing.
I'm going to be living in my apartment for next year in Susquehanna. It turns out that I may be living with strangers and also that they might be there before I get there. That's gonna be weird. I'm not really good with meeting people when I'm not in the mood to be. But if I'm excited about it I'm okay. Maybe I should make myself get excited. I think I'm more worried about moving all my stuff in. And all our apartment stuff for next year. If other people are already moved in, I can't just kick their stuff out so I can move ours in.

For the record-->17 days

Basileia is long over and now that all the excitement is gone, I'm still trying to apply changes. I didn't read the book I got :x But I should probably give that a look instead of being a 24/7 Harry Pothead (that was mad lame).

Some random bullets to finish this off:
- I really want a car and I'm working on it
- Seinfeld just came on, I hate Seinfeld
- I think Wendy Williams is actually a man. She tries way too hard.
- I've been watching the HP movies and I love Ron's "here comes trouble" face
- I got a dtv converter box (cause I was still using an antenna in my room) and I have way more channels than I expected (even some Korean and Chinese :p)
- Speaking of Korean, I kind of miss Anthony. He's a cool guy.
- I think this is muy entertaining and I totally want one.
- The rain here in the city is like Bing status. I'm going shopping tomorrow and It better not rain cause that would suck.

Okay I think I'm done. Nighty Night.

the last two weeks

2009-05-30T14:54:00.003-04:00

have been filled with, "man up!" and "I a'int stoopit!" and the like. They've been a lot of fun. Behind all of that though, there's been much serious growth and thought.

I can't really describe what happened at Basileia, nor can I truly explain why I thought it was so amazing. It was just too much, too big, and too fast.

I know one thing though... it was good.
God is good.

Leo Tolstoy

2009-04-27T23:34:00.003-04:00

"It occurred to him that before morning he might and most probably would die, but the prospect did not strike him as all that unpleasant and terrifying. And the thought was not all that terrfying because apart from the various masters such as Vasily Andreich whom he had served in his life, he had always felt himself dependent on that greatest of all masters who had sent him into this world and he knew that even in death he would still be in the power of this great master, who would not treat him amiss."
-Master and Man

today

2009-04-26T14:00:00.002-04:00

I broke.
[edit]
I've been falling for a while now and I finally hit the ground. I broke. I know what it takes to be fixed. What I don't know is why I don't want it.

feelings

2009-04-20T02:08:00.003-04:00

I felt like blogging. So I opened up a new tab in my Firefox window and here I am. I've been thinking a lot lately about feelings and how much they drive the things we do. I don't know if its just the being a girl thing or if it happens to everyone but my feelings totally control so much of my actions.

I don't know.

I got a perfect score on my presentation and I have no idea how my test went. I should probably check my grade on blackboard. I have a ton of work to do before bed so I guess that's it for now.

2009-04-13T00:45:00.004-04:00

There are so many things going through my mind. What I have to do and what I need to remember to pack. Ugh, I've never not wanted to go back to school more. Honestly.
Last year I was so wide-eyed and excited. I loved going back to school and getting to be "free" and like hang out with friends and whatever. Oh how things have changed. I still love the freedom but I guess now there's not too much of a difference between school and home other than the stress level and the people who surround me.

Just the thought that by this time tomorrow I'll be freaking out about my test and presentation raises my blood pressure. I get a tiny bit more stressed out with every minute. I'm supposed to be packing/getting ready for bed. But I'm too freaked/stressed to even think about what to do first and that leads to procrastination.

I also just realized that the comments link doesn't become singular when you have only one comment. Makes me sad.

Okay I'm done griping. Time to pack and get it over with.

why does my body continually betray me?!

2009-04-08T00:09:00.002-04:00

So I definitely may have torn or otherwise hurt my PCL (posterior cruciate ligament) or my MCL (medial collateral ligament). But I'm just guessing here. I've done a bit of internet research and those are the 2 things I came up with. I think I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow and find out whats going on for real. Let's just hope I don't end up needing surgery for this.

Anywho! Today Nathan and I went to the Bowery Poetry Club and it was pretty dern cool.

That's all for now. Two blogs so close together in date is weird for me. Makes me feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more important but I'm not. Which makes me feel guilty.

nite

keeping it simple

2009-04-07T00:51:00.003-04:00

I don't want to write a blog that's all like...you know..."makes you think" and whatnot.
I just kind of wanna write about whats been going on.

It's spring break! But sadly that means very little to me. As soon as I really get my laptop fixed [I've had to re-install vista 3 times already and its still giving me issues] I'll have to get to work. As soon as I go back to school (meaning the day classes start) I have an Organic Chem test and a presentation in my Russian History class. I feel like even though it's break the work never ends.

I finally finished planning out my schedule for the summer and for next semester when my mom decides that maybe I should be a nurse. I guess it shouldn't matter what my mom decides for my life because I know ultimately she'll let me do what I want. But then I have 2 problems: 1) Mother knows best. It may not be true for all but its true for me and I cant even begin to tell you the number of times I've said, "I should have listened to my mom." 2) The more I think about it and the further in I go, the more I think that I don't actually know what I want to do. I've always said that I wanted to be a doctor but most recently I'm not sure how true that desire is.

Then I start to think about how there are so many people in my generation who have no real drive or desire for anything which, in turn, makes me think about how much I've heard that the world is going to end in 2012 which leads me to believe that its entirely ok not to have any drive for anything real anyways.

I think more than anything I just want to stick to the plan. I'm a person who will pretty much go with the way things flow as long as I wasn't the one to make the plans in the first place. In the back of my mind I have my school schedule (my classes) mapped out from now until senior year and the minute my mom said, "Maybe you should think about nursing." I knew that all those plans would be out the window and it really upset me inside. (By the way, she suggested the nursing thing so that I would have a job when I graduate because apparently in this economy, nursing is the only sure thing.)

I guess I failed at keeping this a simple update blog, I should chose my titles after I'm done writing :p

Tomorrow (and possibly Wednesday) I'm going to these poetry slams with Nathan and whoever else wants to come. (Come!) Its gonna be pretty cool. And any one who wants to read can. I absolutely love slam poetry. It freaking blows my mind. I've written a few but they're not very good. I was in one of those 'that seems like it'd be easy to do...I could totally do that' moods. I think I failed though (in my opinion).

The whole poetry thing got me thinking about how talented a lot of my friends are(Nathan wrote a really good one). Like, I know so many people who are so good at so many things but are often underrated. I know so many amazing photographers, writers, dancers, musicians, etc. Then THAT made me think about how not so talented I am...which kind of made me sad. I feel like I've tried my hand at so many of these things but I'm just not extraordinarily good at anything.
I think one thing I'm good at though is being confident in myself. Like I really like myself and its hard for me to put myself down which I guess can be a plus. It can also be a minus because then I may be viewed as being cocky or something. But I'd still rather be good at something tangible...

This is a long one. With a lot of parentheses. Thanks for reading if you did :)

edit:
I hurt my knee. It bends weird and may never be the same again. Just thought I'd share. Also, Pillow fight NYC 2009 was absolutely amazing until the cops broke it up early. They couldn't kill our pillow fighting spirits though.

in the pods

2009-03-23T22:19:00.002-04:00

I'm in the bartle pods and I felt a sudden urge to blog.

Thing is I have nothing to say.

I was on the New York Times today and I found this article very interesting.

Okay, back to work.

Apologetically, I write?

2009-03-14T18:59:00.005-04:00

I can't stand when people correct me on things, yet I am always one of the first to correct. It's been a problem ever since I was a kid. I don't know why. It's just my nature I guess? I'm not necessarily admitting or saying that what I did was wrong. Because honestly I still don't feel that way. For what I did, (or attempted to do) I will not apologize.

I certainly can't stand when people correct me in a way that is not only, I feel, disrespectful to me, but also gives an air of "I'm perfect and only you are flawed." Let's call it superiority. It kills me. For that, I will not apologize.

So maybe I have a lot of anger. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let it out last night in a not so positive way. It wasn't all my fault that I blew up. I just can't keep things inside. I'm not asian. (:p jk) But honestly I can't. I think I'm mostly sorry about who I let it out around. For this, I will apologize.

Apologies.

I don't mean to be a bad example. But I am not perfect and my position can't be a switch that suddenly makes me perfect. I'm no more perfect than I was last semester. This doesn't mean I'm not striving to be different. It's a process. All it means is that I'm human. Just like you.

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, so we're really not that different, me and you.” -Colin Rave

I'm gonna steer clear

2009-03-06T00:39:00.005-05:00

I'd burn up in your atmosphere.
I'm gonna steer clear.
Cause I'd die if I saw you.
I'd die if I didn't see you there.

So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore.

Sometimes, I just get these feelings that I can't necessarily place. Right now is one of those times. Usually the feelings can't be named. I guess I could say I'm not feeling any words I know. Is it possible to discover new feelings or is it just that I don't know any word in the English language to describe how I feel? Who knows.

What I do know is that no matter how much of whatever it is that I feel, I will always be loved.

and the winner is... (an update)

2009-02-28T23:46:00.005-05:00

Choconut 201! Iron chef was soooo fun today. Both teams did a really amazing job and i think everyone had a lot of fun. This title reminded me of the Academy Awards last week. It was my first ever Oscar party and also the first time I'd watched a non-teen/kid oriented award show in its entirety. By the way, Pam and Tuttle did a nice job of hosting the party.

This post seems kind of pointless so far. I guess when I'm done rambling, I'll see if its worthy of being posted. Then again, it is just an update.

So I realize that I have a bad habit of talking too much. Not that I say too much really, but more in the sense that I say things I shouldn't. It's a bit of a problem for me and it needs to be stopped.

Housing is bothering me I have no definite plans of who I'm living with next semester and the thought is scary but also very annoying. It's been too many times that the words, "I'm just gonna go live in a box, by myself." Have come out of my mouth. I could have a definite place to live but then I'm not sure about the people I'm going to be living with. I kind of wish it was like freshman year again and I could just be put with randoms and be excited about making new friends. But I feel like I'm too old to want to make new friends. Okay thats enough about this.

Uhm. I'm a dj. On the radio. If you read my blog, you should listen to my show. I'm on wednesday mornings from 1-3am. Some people like to count it as tuesday nights because they're still awake from tuesday, but its technically wednesday morning. Click here to listen.

I got really upset about something last night and I have no idea if I actually should have gotten as upset as I did. When I think about it now its still upsets me. But then, thanks to some advice from a friend, I remembered that I need to leave it up to God to take care of. When I get mad I can't stop my mouth and I say things I'll probably regret in the long run. Maybe its something I need to work on. No. Its definitely something I need to work on.

I need to end this. its long and rambling. And now its March. Isn't that just dandy?

its been a forever for me

2009-02-04T00:20:00.002-05:00

I should have been doing work for the past like 3 hours now. But instead I'm doing nothing. As soon as I'm done with this though I'll get back on it.

I just wanted to say that it really amazes me when people who don't know you pray for you and totally hit the nail on the head. It happened to me today. It amazed me because I don't think I've had an actual conversation with the person who did it. Like I honestly have never talked to the person one on one and if I'm mistaken and I have, it was never more than anything superficial.

I think God is pretty cool and this year is going to be pretty amazing...with His help of course :)

its funny

2009-01-15T21:39:00.005-05:00

I had so many ambitions for this break. There are so many things that I said I wanted to do and damn near promised myself I would get done. I always figured I had plenty of time. But as the days and weeks passed, and as friends started to go back, I realized school isn't that far away and I didn't do any of the things I pretty much swore I would do.

I am happy I did get to do somethings. I got to work on the way I do my devos (by actually doing them) and on the way I approach my relationship with God in general. I'm really happy that Ive gotten a chance to sort things out. I feel that I found a way to use my time alone productively instead of spending it in retarded self loathing. Even if that productivity amounts to me making insanely embarrassing youtube videos, I did gain something from it. I think I've gotten better at guitar. I hope that when I'm at school I can find (or make) some time to keep that up.

It makes me a little irate to think that I didn't get done any of the things I planned to do. But on the other hand, its funny that I didn't plan on doing the things I got done. I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend my break.

And I know, I'm talking like its already over and we still have another week but this is pretty much it for me. Next week is all shopping, preparations, and doctors/dentists appointments (and my birthday :) then its right back to work.

I say it every time but I really think this semester is going to be different. Or at least I'm gonna try. By golly, I'm gonna try. Its the best I can do.

follow up to 1/9

2009-01-12T07:57:00.001-05:00

I definitely hurt myself...I knew this was coming. I should be all good by the time school starts though.

hello, good morning, how you do?

2009-01-11T18:21:00.007-05:00

I was going to write about my weekend but I just realized I'm hungry. Need food first...

[Edit]
There's so much I could write about this past weekend and how amazing it was but I'm tired and I doubt anyone would want to actually read all that I have to say. I will say this though; It was a life changing weekend and I hope that the change sticks around. I'm gonna do my best to make sure that happens.

Keep an eye on me. I'm destined for great things.

This is the way that I say, "I need You"
This is the way that I say, "I love You"
This is the way that I say, "I'm Yours"
This is the way that I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again
A way better Life
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

----------------
Now playing: Switchfoot - Learning To Breathe
via FoxyTunes

ugh...

2009-01-09T13:15:00.002-05:00

I feel like my body is going to break down any minute. Let's hope that it doesnt.
It's like unpredictably predictable. I know something's gonna happen but i'm just not sure what.

looking forward

2009-01-01T18:54:00.004-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Its officially 2009! That seems so weird but its true. I can't believe this last year. It was just like...kind of awesome. A lot happened for me and I'm definitely seeing a lot of change in myself. But there's still so much more to go. I seriously have a lot of growing up to do but slowly I'm getting to where I need to be.

I don't really do new years resolutions, but if I did heres what they would be:
1. Get better at guitar
2. Do some sort of real physical activity and work out [I usually exercise by running around like a 5 year old :p]
3. Discover something new everyday about:

a. God
b. Myself
(This is going to be a tough one)

4. Become fluent in sign language
5. Make a conscious effort to be a better, more considerate person (if possible)
6. Study super hard!

Gee, thats an intense list. The reason I say I don't do new years resolutions is because I don't like to make promises that I can't keep (mostly because I can't stand people who do and I never want to be one of those people). Now, because I don't do new years resolutions, this list is just sort of a maybe..kind of thing. [ugh! I'm so bad at making sense!] What I'm saying is, I would like to do these things and I will try. But I'm not making any promises.

I'm looking forward to hopefully being able to make these, and other more serious changes in my life. But I think most of all, I'm looking forward to being 20.
Only 21 more days :)

musical obsession

2008-12-29T13:04:00.001-05:00

I get obsessed so easily with certain songs. But the obsessions only last for about 2 or 3 days tops. Christmas eve, Christmas day, and the day after, I was all about White Christmas. I was singing it, playing it, making youtube videos of me singing and playing it. Then once Christmas was gone I got over it.
Saturday was Bixler's Birthday Surprise and it was very fun and exciting. Especially the parts where we had to sneak around Harlem and try to figure out a way to get into his house without him knowing [and without scaring his grandparents]. It was filled with poorly planned surprises and eating cake out of a box with spoons at TenRens

While on the train to Bixler's I was listening to my iPod and I heard the song Heal Over by KT Tunstall. It is my official new musical obsession. I wrote a note in my phone as a reminder to look up the chords for it and I've been listening to and playing it ever since. The hard part is the singing. I definitely want to do a cover and make a video but I have to get the singing down first. I don't think I'll post it here though, I'll probably just keep it on my youtube. Something about seeing myself in a video, every time I come on my blog just makes me a bit uneasy. I want to work on not being so shy about singing and playing in front of people and I think putting up my videos is a good way to start. Especially since I don't have to watch people watch me.

Oh yea, Christmas...I kinda forgot. It was good. Nothing special, no real traditions in my house. We open presents Christmas morning and we eat turkey for dinner. I wish we had amazing awesome traditions like everyone else. When I get older and have my family we're definitely gonna have traditions. New Years is coming up next. Then all the holidays will be over. Its not that I don't like holidays. I just get bored of the same things over and over. [Edit: Ok I realize that this paragraph is a bit of a contradiction but in my head it makes sense. I guess I feel like the way my holidays are spent isn't very amazing and awesome.]

I've been spending a lot of time playing guitar...there are two in my house. Both belong to my younger brother and both have a broken high E string. Its a little bit annoying but it should suffice until I get to play with Denise's. I really want to buy a new guitar but I think I'd sell my current acoustic first. I want to get an acoustic-electric Martin. Its like, my dream...

It's Christmas!!!!

2008-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

It's not perfect but its a start :)
comments would be nice..

in dire need

2008-12-23T23:36:00.002-05:00

It is finally Winter Break! I'm so excited. There are so many things I want to do..
But I have a problem. No money. I really wanted to get a job for this break. I'd been applying and sending resumes to places since like October but I got no responses. It makes me sad. But on the other hand I can spend some time with my friends and on my music. I haven't had any real time this semester to spend with either of my guitars. Any musical time spent was usually with the IV bass :/ which isn't bad [its better than nothing] but its just not the same. I have SUCH a deep seeded passion for music. It's kind of hard to explain and sometimes even hard for me to understand.

How can someone be given such a passion for something that they may not necessarily be called to? Does that make sense? I mean, I guess it's understandable for someone to be so into something that may have nothing to do with their future life. But I guess I just think in my case, it makes no sense. Then again, just because I have the passion doesn't mean I have the talent.

Seems like that's the problem with lots of things in my life. I just don't understand passion without ability. It makes no sense to me...

That was a wild tangent. Ugh! Anyways, I wish I had a guitar, I get most inspired when I don't have the necessary tools...its unfair. I got a ride home from school so I couldn't take up space with my guitar BUT since Denise is going to Africa next week, I get to use her guitar while I'm here and she's gone...which means for the rest of winter break :)
I think this is gonna be good.

"It's Christmas Eve, eve!"

2008-12-23T23:36:00.001-05:00

For as long as I can remember I've made it a point to say that on christmas eve eve.
I was just always that excited :)

...

2008-12-16T14:10:00.000-05:00

I'm trying. I'm really trying.
I'm broken. Extremely broken.
I need You. More than anything ever.

guess what?

2008-12-13T22:54:00.000-05:00

I passed all three of my radio tests with flying colors and I am now an official WHRW dj!!! I'm really very excited and happy about it. I thought it'd be too hard which is why I didn't take the tests last semester (that and because I was too lazy to study for them). It also feels awesome to know that I was among the best of the apprentices because I passed all 3 tests (you only need to pass 2 to be cleared). I like being the best at what I do. But then again, I did do the whole apprentice thing twice. When I think about it that way it makes me feel like a kid who gets left back, and then the second time is the smartest kid in her class. But whatever, I could have done this well the first time if I wanted. to :)

Its just about finals week and I'm taking a study break to write this and unwind. I probably wont write again til I get home for winter break. I'm most likely going to write a lot during that break because I'm going to have a lot of time, lest I get a job. Let's just cross our fingers.

quickie.

2008-12-03T15:44:00.001-05:00

Listening to John Mayer always puts me in a very introspective mood. It's a little weird because my thoughts sometimes run so rapid and so deep that I can't keep up with them. It also inspires me to write my own music again, which is definitely something I've been thinking about a lot lately too.
Just a second of thought between things...

----------------
Now playing: John Mayer - Wait Until Tomorrow
via FoxyTunes

i have a "yay God"...

2008-11-30T03:14:00.001-05:00

I got my computer to work after days of hoping and hours of waiting and trying and failing. I'm so happy. I did freak cause I thought I lost everything but then I called the Gateway man after I had just finished crying (I couldnt help it) and I was all sniffle-y and he told me what to do and where to find my docs and stuff. I'm glad he was nice and not a jerk like the other 5 gateway guys I talked to earlier who were of almost no help.

I'm deleting all the leftover/virus filled crap right now and I was wasting about 30 Gigs on stuff and I had no clue what it was!!...then again all my software is gone so I hope that made up most of it.

Anyways that's my 'yay God', my computer works and I don't have to worry about losing documents or music =]

things are looking a bit brighter

2008-11-29T23:22:00.000-05:00

I stole my mom's laptop, and if mine isn't working by tonight, I'm taking it with me back to school.

The weekend was a lot better than the first night back. I guess it just takes me a while to get used to my friends again and be "home glory".

My computer is doing some sort of recovery thingy right now that may or may not erase all my stuff. Hopefully the latter. Its been at Progress: 0% for about 10 minutes now, but I have faith. The night it first crashed, my mom and I prayed over it. I was kind of confused on how to do that though, I didn't know if I should like pray for healing or what...I'm still pretty confused but I went with it anyways. It couldn't hurt, could it?

I found my way out of the box and totally connected with God again friday night. It was amaze (as jenny would say). Every time I have some major like thing like that, I learn something new about myself and about how God works. I either learn something totally new or like experience something people talk about but I've never personally experienced.

David Andrew was back this weekend and it was really good to see him. I hope he comes back for Christmas. I've also decided that I want to go to med school in Virginia so I can become a regular attendee of his church. That's probably just one of those plans that I make in my head that will never actually come to fruition though. I do that a lot. I get it from my friends. That, and a love of food and sleeping. But we all get that from Kristine I think...

I'm rambling, I should be doing a paper. A paper that I've had a good excuse not to do since my computer crashed. It was a good excuse, just not good enough. Ok I'm really gonna stop now.

No wait I lied. So on Friday, Denise and I sang and played together for the first time in a long time (cause she's always going off to other countries to do good deeds over breaks :p) and it was really amazing. First of all, we sound amazing together, like our voices are two pieces of a very large 2 piece puzzle and they only make sense when they are together. Secondly,...well I don't think there is a secondly to that actually. It was just great. We want to be a band again but that's obviously not something that's possible for us since we're seven hours away from each other on the regular.

Ok I think I'm really done now. I should go do my paper.

c-c-changes

2008-11-28T15:01:00.000-05:00

Nothing is the same here. Being home for thanksgiving is a nice change from school but nothing's the same. I love my family and my friends but somehow I almost feel like I'm outgrowing my life here. I don't know...

And also, my laptop is broken so I have no idea if I'm gonna be updating or anything like that any time soon after this. It's so upsetting because I knew it was coming. I think I have a virus and I'm gonna freak if they have to erase my documents and my music. Like, I'm seriously gonna freak.

Another thing that bothers me about being home is that I feel like I don't know how to communicate with God here. Almost as if my prayers go no where and mean nothing. I feel like im in a box and am completely cut off from Him. I really feel very lost as if I'm a stranger here. I don't know. I need a resolution.

i'm learning

2008-11-22T00:35:00.000-05:00

It really sucks when you don't get what you want. It may not have been on as large a scale as some people I know, but I was a pretty spoiled child. I was the youngest girl and from my birth until now I've gotten pretty much everything I wanted. Some of my closer friends know and have seen that I can whine sometimes and I guess that little girl who gets whatever she wants is still in me. Obviously this "everything" was within reason. My parents knew and still know how to say no to me. They did it to 3 other kids before me so it definitely was not a problem. But of course, when you spoil a child they try to find a way around the no. My way was crying. I cried and my dad hated it so he gave me what I wanted.

That was an extremely long introduction but I have a point to it. I'm learning that I can't always get what I want and there is a reason for it. I definitely see a change in myself when my Heavenly Father tells me no to something and I stubbornly but surely comply. (if that makes sense) It's hard for me to let go of something I've been doing for the past 19 years. But it kind of makes me happy to see that I'm growing and learning despite not getting what I so desired. I definitely realize that everything happens for a reason and everything will happen in God's time. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be.

Concert of Prayer tonight was way more amazing that I thought it would be. I'd sort of been dreading it this entire week but in the middle came to understand that I'd kind of been postponing coming "face to face" with God all week. It was awesome, though, the emotions flowing were a bit hard to take at once. When I think about it and am honest with myself, I didn't do any quiet times this week. Kinda bad, I know, but as crazy as it may sound I think it was worth it. I may be wrong. Or maybe my words just don't sound right. But what I'm trying to say is that it went well.

I got an answer to something I've been praying about for a while. It was funny cause the answer was a "Not now." and I kind of whined out a "Whyyy?" Hilarious indeed now that I think back on it. I still don't fully understand it but I know it's for the best. It certainly has been some night.

stress.

2008-11-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

I have never been so stressed out in my entire life. I want to cry and scream all at the same time. It's pretty sick, you know, the whole idea of going to college, killing yourself over getting good grades, while still trying to be awesome and have a life. Obviously no one can have it all. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for this college thing. A part of me definitely feels that way most of the time.

There is so much pressure attached to this whole thing too. Not just in the sense that pre-med is really competitive and there is pressure to be the best, but in the sense of family. My home family and my church family know that I want to be a doctor someday. I am absolutely not one who likes to let people down. I feel like I'm the one my parents have been waiting for. Out of all my siblings, I'm the one. I don't think my church family realizes how much it gets to me when they call me 'Dr. Glory'. Its an awesome ego boost, sure, but when it comes down to a grade and whats going through my mind is, 'I can't let them down, I can't let them down' it's really tough. I don't know if any of them actually realize how hard this has been for me. If ever I don't do as well on something as I'd hoped, I get really sad inside and think about how disappointed everyone will be in me.

I have to keep going. I have to press on. They've been waiting for me. I can't let them down.

sometimes...

2008-11-11T23:47:00.000-05:00

I don't understand girls. I don't understand boys. Maybe everyone is perfectly understandable and I'm just completely misunderstood. =/

i've been stalking you.

2008-11-09T23:51:00.000-05:00

Before I actually had my blog and wrote in it, I stumbled upon the blogs of many people I know. Its because they all know each other too so they're all connected.

This isn't actually a real update its just to let anyone who may stumble upon my blog know that I've been reading theirs and they can now be officially flattered or shocked. Half of the names on my list to the left don't know that i've been reading their blogs. I've been reading many others too but those are just the ones I find most interesting [when these people choose to update].

Not that others I've read haven't been interesting...

We actually have a BLACK PRESIDENT!

2008-11-05T02:29:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama is the president elect of the united states. The first Black President. I'm beyond amazed that I've lived to see this. Not so much because I think our nation is not that far removed from things like racsism, because these are things I still see, but because we still have so far to go. I'm so happy that I've lived through so much history already in my 19 years on this earth and I'm only looking forward to many more.

I'm overjoyed but also scared because there are people out there who would love to see Obama fail and not only that but would love to take part in making him fail and who would also rejoice in his failure. I'm not saying with this post that I'm a Democrat, nor am I saying I'm a Republican. All I'm saying is that I'm proud to be living in history and I only hope what happens next is good.

Be a good citizen. All governments are under God. Insofar as there is peace and order, it's God's order.
Romans 13:1 (The Message)

What can you do with a History Major?

2008-11-04T16:49:00.000-05:00

Become a doctor apparently.

So I finally decided that I want to be a history major. You might say, "How will you ever go to med school now?" To that I'd say you don't actually have to be a bio or chem major to go to med school and eventually become a doctor. For someone who already knows this, what you may not know is that this is not common knowledge. My mom didn't know this and she knows a lot of stuff(lol). I haven't declared it yet which, hopefully I can do soon. I actually need to go to the History department and talk this out so this is a good reminder.

Why a history major? Because I like history,I cant actually stand sciences, and I don't want to be an english major. I want to know more about something than anyone I know (my age) and since I don't personally know any history majors, I'm on my way to achieving that goal =] Also, I'm going to have plenty of time to spend with the sciences when I get to med school.

I really am kind of excited about this and anyone who's talked to me recently has probably already heard and seen that. I googled it and it turns out that lots of pre med kids do it and its a really interesting thing to have on a med school application.

Moving on...

Today for a moment I was walking and I thought to myself how being here in Bing with other people and having conversations that mean something, makes me feel real. I don't know if this makes sense but for most of my life, I'd had like fun, random, meaningless conversations and things with my bests and whenever we had a conversation that actually meant something it was like a big deal and we all knew it. I don't know about them but for me, those moments held a special place in my heart because I knew they would only come along every once in a blue. So today I was just walking back to my room from class and for some reason I just had this overwhelming feeling that I mattered and that I was a real person who means something. It was kind of nice.

Maybe this is what it feels like to become an adult...

It also made me think of how when i was a younger, like 7 or 8yrs old, I would spend a lot of time looking in the mirror (don't think i'm vain yet) and thinking about how amazing it is that I was a living human person. It kind of blew my mind. I don't know why but I did it a lot. Maybe it was because I was kind of a sickly kid and by that point I'd known how important and fragile life is.
Just a thought.

I hope everyone (who could) went out and voted today. This is definitively the most important election, not only of our nation's history, but of our generation.

do you ever wish...

2008-10-26T00:08:00.001-04:00

that you could have a new life? Maybe not necessarily a new life, cause I don't have a bad one. Loving family and frineds. I've got it pretty good considering what the majority of people on this earth go through.
Maybe I'm just being selfish. Now I feel bad. Its not that I don't appreciate what I have. I guess I just take it for granted sometimes. But then again, who doesn't? I'm definitely happy and love my friends here at Bing. But I think it would be cool to make some new ones. There are just soo many freaking people on this campus. I want to know more of them. I've never met more interesting people than I have here in my life.

I kind of hope that when I'm older, I don't get bored with my life too easily and decide to move a lot. I hear that kids like stability and that wouldn't be good for them. Also I'm kind of a creature of habit and I crave some stability myself. I just think a little bit of change might be nice.

=]

"Now that your king is dead, long live the king."
Denise is going to see Coldplay. Sounds like a rip roaring good time.

laptop's dying.
peace

I realize something...

2008-10-20T21:58:00.000-04:00

I get discouraged way too easily. I need to not do that and to not let negative thoughts discourage me so.

Funny story, it happened a while ago but its still relevant and important to me. Before I take tests, I like to pray and ask God to help me to remember all that I've studied because, lets face it, I don't have the best memory. So I was taking my bio 311 test and it was the first one and I didn't study as much as I should have but I still prayed nonetheless [maybe it was my turn for a miracle lol.] As I got into the test I sort of took a glance over at another persons paper [which I realize is always stupid because they give us different versions of tests anyways] and in my head I was like, "what the heck am I doing? I'm such and idiot how am I gonna pray for rememberance and still try to cheat?" Then I heard my Father say, "Its ok, I still love you. Just don't do it again."
-totally awesome-

Okay, this was a quick study break...now back to chem.

fail!

2008-10-19T13:51:00.000-04:00

Well, not really. Let me start off by saying that the other day I had a really cool experience with God. It was pretty amazing and I was really excited about it.

Here's the story. Since those last few post I've been feeling pretty far separated from God and like not into it and stuff. Part of it was because I fell into things that I definitely shouldn't have and it made me feel like a super failure. Even though I had fun I still felt like such a jerk and a loser. But then since I had fun I kind of lost sight of the point of like being close to God and having a good relationship with Him and everything. So in my mind I had given up. I was just like whatever I'm gonna do what I want now and I'm gonna live my life for me and to have fun. I thought that I probably just wasn't cut out to be a christian anyways.

Later in the week I kinda settled down and I decided to try and get back into my quiet times and I read this book that Gary gave me called "Just Like Jesus Devotional" by Max Lucado. I'd been reading it before but since I kinda gave up on stuff I sorta put it down and left it alone. I picked up where I left off. It was about having a listening hear t and hearing God's voice and stuff. So that night after reading it I was in bed and I pretty much didn't get it and I was like ok God, I'm listening...speak to me. For some reason though I couldn't quiet my brain down and I got really frustrated.

The next day I think it was a day when I had like one class so I had a lot of free / alone time. I was like ok I'm gonna do it right this time. In the reading it said you need 3 things: 1)a regular quiet time and place. 2) An open Bible. 3) A listening heart.

So I gave it a shot. I had the time and the place. What I needed next was an open Bible. I was like ok and I kind of just let it fall open. It opened to Jonah. Then suddenly, a lightbulb went on. Jonah was a guy who heard God's voice, clear as day telling him very specific directions for his life. I don't think I've ever heard God as loud and clear as Jonah did but I've defintely been like him in my blatant disobedience.

Then I looked for the part where Jonah was repenting for not listening to God. I found it in 2:8-9. "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit God's love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, 'Salvation comes from the LORD.'"

How amazing is that?! As I get older and look more into the Bible and stuff I feel like there's so mch more there than I've ever seen. I've denifitely heard the story of Jonah 100 times, but never have I heard that first part. Forfeiting God's love? After reading those words, how could I possibly choose to do things that I thought of as fun, knowing that I'm giving up the greatest Love ever known to man?

So that was my week. Quite an interesting one indeed.

2 posts, 1 day

2008-10-11T02:11:00.000-04:00

Its still one day for me even though, technically, its October 11th (happy birthday big sister).

I've just had a lot of time to be on my own and think and stuff. I don't know what it is but songs are just saying things to me that I haven't heard before. As in my earlier post, its a song I've heard a million times but its never said these words to me. Its as if I'm hearing it for the first time. Maybe the difference is this time I'm actually listening. [there's a big difference between the two]

You are not alone
I am here with you
Even when you're scared
I'll never leave you
Standing in a storm

Making it insane
Once Again
I will try to unchain you
But you open your eyes to the sky
and whisper
That you are so lonely

I feel like this is something I'm hearing for a reason. And, although she's the one singing, I'm not hearing it from Yael Naïm.

----------------
Now playing: Yael Naïm - Lonely
via FoxyTunes

finally..

2008-10-10T12:07:00.000-04:00

I am not a spam blog!! My blog was on a block because it was being considered to be a spam blog. Now that that's all over I can get back to talking about my life.

Lately all I've been thinking is that I'm missing something. Then that song by John Mayer Something's Missing comes to mind. "Something's missing and I don't know how to fix it." That's honestly how I feel. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't feel like doing work. I think that when we have vacations from school I take it as a vacation from everything and I slack off. I also have another habit of getting into trouble. I'm definitely one of those kids who needs to keep occupied in order to stay out of doing something stupid.

So here's another concept that's been on my mind. Do you ever think that maybe some people weren't "cut out" to be Christians? Is that such a far-fetched idea? I've been thinking about it and its almost like some people are "better at it" than others. I almost don't get it. And then part of my mind wanders over to predestination. The reality is that some people just aren't Christians and maybe they never will be and were never meant to be. I've had this question on my mind for years. Ready? Ok. Some people say that God gave us free will. Another thing we say is that God knows everything. So my thing is, couldn't predestination technically be real? Because God knows in the end who's gonna choose to live for him and who isn't.
I've honestly had that thought and question since like 7th grade and no one has ever been able to give me a straight answer. Maybe someday...

"How come everything I think I need always comes with batteries? What do you think it means?"

----------------
Now playing: John Mayer - Something's Missing
via FoxyTunes

explanation

2008-10-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

It appears an explanation is in order. I have this title on my blog. Its also in the url. It says, "Apply Changes"
This is kinda for choe because its easier to write than to say, but its kind of also for me just so I can clarify whats been going on in my head.

I've been trying to pursue God and like build up my relationship with Him like I should. There are just so many easy temptations. [On a side note, I thought the temptations would stay at school and that home was a place where they would just never be. But I was sadly mistaken when I went home for Rosh Hashanah and they were pretty much waiting at my door.]

Take Note, Apply Changes. This may sound silly, but I got the apply changes from google. I was changing some settings on my Gmail account and when I was done it had a button that said apply changes. For some reason it really hit me. Its like I know what "settings" I have to change in my life and like the flip of a switch I can do them. The only thing is, do I click apply changes? Do the things I fix or change stick?

The first part is take note. I made that one up myself :p What it means is, like i said before, I know what I need to do but I need to take note of it and make sure I dont forget. Pretty much like when I read the bible and stuff. I can read till I'm blue in the face but if I take note of nothing I've read, it's kind of pointless.

I have it as my blog title and as a reminder. Take Note, Apply Changes.

so, i'm doing the blog thing again

2008-09-27T01:02:00.000-04:00

I'm trying this thing again. Blogspot officially hates me. I started a blog on it like a yr ago but it just like disappeared . So if this one holds up, then maybe..I'll have a fresh new blog to write on.