friends

I just wrote a bunch of emails so I'm already in typing mode. I thought, "why not blog?"

I have a major test coming up. Well...it's the first test. But it's still major. If I'm going to reach my GPA goal this semester, it counts. So I should be studying but I'm finding it hard as I have a lot on my mind and heart.

The idea of friends has been majorly on my mind recently. I need to comprehend what I'm thinking. Blogging usually helps me do that.

So I've been thinking a lot lately that I really want to make new friends. I think it has to do with the fact that over the last 2&1/2 years, I didn't really get to choose my friends. Which, in turn, made me think about how I've never gotten to choose my friends. All the friends I have I gained by circumstance. I went to the same school for 9 years and the friends I had in high school were the friends I had from church. The friends who I made in church are the kids who were my age and always in my sunday school classes. We did become the best of friends though and I don't think my life would be half as amazing without them. Obviously I love them to death but I just feel like it was never my choice. If it had been my choice would I have chosen them? Who knows.

Old friends aside, I'm in college now. Apparently the friends I have now are the ones I'm gonna keep through life. I just don't feel like that's true. The majority of my "friends" now are the ones I've met in IV, another place I'm in through circumstance. The reason why I put the word in quotations is because I've never felt so lost as I do before and after each large group meeting. Looking around a room of about 100 people and finding no place I can settle and be truly comfortable. So to avoid awkwardness, I sort of just float around the room saying hi to people I know. I wouldn't call 99% of the people in that room anything more than acquaintances.

I really feel it has a lot to do with the fact that the majority of our chapter is Asian and lately I think the next biggest group is white. I've never been a person to have any race issues. I was raised to be color blind but that's apparently impossible here. No one else is. It's like if you were actually color blind and perfectly content in that, but as you walk down the street with your friends, they constantly point out red and green to you. They would do it so much that you'd begin to identify red and green not by what you can actually see but by the shades of gray they are to you.

I don't know. I can't really say that if I go find people of my own race I'd be happy. That's not what it is at all. I just need to find a place where nothing like that matters. And as much as we would like to say it doesn't matter, it does. I just need a place to settle. A place to call my own. A place with similarly color blind people and good times.